tactilejunkie's Xanga

Hiatus

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:07:08 GMT

My lovelies,

So sorry for the long hiatus - again. I was away from any kind of net access for one and half weeks as I prepared to travel a long distance from Kebbi to Abuja. I've been in Abuja for a week now, with a weekend away in a nearby state for a friend's goodbye party.

I've been good to myself. I've drank only red wine on special occassions, had one plate with small helpings of each tasty dish they had, and went for hour-long walks everyday since I left Kebbi.

By the VSO flat, there are stable sidewalks so every morning at 8 30am, I go out for a brisk 30 minute walk with Marufat, my intervenor. We repeat the same walking pattern for 45 minutes every evening after dinner.

I've consciously chosen to eat a hearty breakfast of egggs, vegetables, fruit and alternating between carb-heavy meal or a salad/soup for lunch or dinner. Balance is important - I wish to eat only one heavy carb meal a day, leaving very little carb (bread, rice, pasta etc) in the other 2 meals.

Apples, oranges, masara (roasted corn found on grills by the streets of Nigeria), guava, coconut pieces and muesli trail mix are usually my snacks everyday.

I am having a problem with consumption of water. The water filter in the VSO flat is very dirty, so I have resorted to buying bottles of water or refilling them at the VSO office when I come in everyday this week to work on my fundraising book. But it seems not enough. So I am going to work on that.

I leave for New York City next Tuesday. Pray I will do OK in the land of the obese. Most especially when there are so many foods I've missed while being here in Nigeria.

Oh, and I've successfully trained myself to turn morning stretches and night stretches into a habit. It's become so frequent and conscious enough that I treat yoga like brushing my teeth everyday - you must do it because it's healthy. And I'm working on making walks everyday a habit for life.

My clothes are getting bigger and my waist is getting smaller. I look forward to do a bit of shopping in the States 0 but not too many because I know I'll drop more once I get back to Nigeria.

I will try to update whenever I can. Just know that I am consciously working on my fitness, health and whipping up more healthy culinary delights.

I have never been more prouder of myself for losing so much weight. I currently do not know how much I weigh. I don't think I want to know for a while.

Hope you are all well, healthy & happy.

Tactile love yourself, first&foremost.

Coco

Day Log

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:21:14 GMT

Day Log

July 2, 2008

Up at 10am

Stretches 10min

Breakfast: two boiled eggs, hash browns, 4 orange slices

Snack: chopped coconut pieces

Lunch: Meal size salad with lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, red onion; large wheat toast with cream cheese and ripe tomatoes&thyme

Snack: coconut pieces (I am ADDICTED)

Dinner: Bowl of rice with cucumber, carrots, tomatoes, soy sauce

20 min Yoga before bed

Bed at 11:00pm

Four 75cl of filtered water (6 glasses of water)

Green tea (three cups)

Fitness – Morning stretch, kitchen clean up duty, 3pm workout session with Sanjo for 1 hour, and yoga before bed

I don’t know why I did not do this before. I kept seeing raw coconuts around in the market, but I thought to myself – that is such a hassle to get all the “hairs” off and chop it. Then on Monday during my trip to the market, I saw a shopkeeper shave off the hairs, chop it in half and give it to the woman who bought it. I thought, hey, I should try it at least. I love coconut, but it’s not the reason I’m called Coco, heh. So I bought a whole coconut for 80 cents. And broke it in pieces. I’ve been eating it as a snack (substitiute for almonds, nuts, etc). It fills me up fast. I don’t know if eating coconuts is a good thing? I hope SO!!!

I’ve been sidetracked on keeping tabs on my daily eating habits because the electricity’s only been on 3 hours per day… which is really unusual. We get more than 12 hours a day, but no excuse, I should WRITE it down. The old fashioned way. But then again, I ran out of paper and markers. I cannot read pen ink anymore. Excuses, excuses, But I’m back on track yet I cannot keep promises that I’ll keep on writing day journals.

Heavy Philosophy

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:13:59 GMT

Heavy Philosophy

July 2, 2008

Today at Sanjo’s Gym, I weighed myself. Still 193. Plateau time. I’ve weighed that same number for the past 2 weeks. The logical part of my brain says: that is SO normal. My body is adjusting to the tremendous weight loss. There’ll be more to come. Be patient. Continue the routine.

But… there was that ANNOYING, familiar voice deep down in the dark tunnels of my cranium. It says: This is not working out. It’s too much of a hassle to continue the routine. I need a cake, asap. I’ll be forever fat. I’ll never be thin.

No, no, no. I don’t want that voice back. It’s always been the thing that sidetracks me from being successful in my goals. In the past I’ve successfully convinced myself that the effort isn’t worth it and I’m destined to be fat forever. I’d feel pessimistic and look for more excuses to “let go”.

NOT THIS TIME! Damn it. I’m telling that damn voice to get the HELL out of my mind. I am GOING to do this til the end. I am going to be successful in my goals as they come.

Interesting how I write this down in text, right in front of me, instead of letting that thought linger around in my mind. And today at the gym, I thought to myself, this is the same plight that millions of overweight women have, and a majority of them give in to that voice, the voice of Lucifer. He wants us to stay sad, depressed, pessimistic, and FAT.

Honey, this plateau is only temporary. Giving up is permanent. It’ll only continue. The pattern will go on and on and on. It’s really more than half the battle. The real battle is in your mind, it’s not the blubber that you want to lose. That’s just the easy part. Reworking that mindframe that we have had for so long is going to be daunting, telling ourselves that we will SUCCEED and we WILL win this battle.

That felt so good. It’s like telling that dark voice in my head to go f*** yourself.

Tactile love yourself, first&foremost!

Coco

Reflections

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 09:06:47 GMT

Reflections

June 29, 2008

When I look in the mirror, I often struggle to tell myself, “You are beautiful inside and… outside”. I say “outside” with such reluctance. I’ve been battling that demon for so long, since my teens. I have always had people say this over and over again, “you have such a beautiful face”. And that would be it. No, “you have a great body”. Or something along the lines. I know my face is beautiful. I try to tell myself that the whole package is beautiful but it’s so hard to do that when society unintentionally and intentionally tell me that my overweight, bulging body is not aesthetically beautiful.

I gained weight when I was eight years old, that’s 20 years ago now. It wasn’t so bad, but when I became a high school freshman, things got so bad as I ballooned into a pudgy 13 year old. That brought upon so many insults, poking, horrible notes left in my locker, public humiliation, continuous mockery. One of my crushes in high school left a note in my locker: “I will never like you because you are SO FAT it makes me want to throw up”. I cried so much and ate so much junk food. It was my comfort food. And as often as the insults came, I ate often. All of my friends were thin, and I was the only fat one. I would get poked in the hallway as I walk by, and some bullies would follow me and try to imitate a Humpty Dumpty or a person who was severely obese and waddling.

During my high school years, I had so much pressure to lose weight, from my classmates, my dorm counselors, the school shrink, my aunt and everyone else. I had suicidal thoughts often, attempted a few times. I had a bout with bulimia for three months until one of the counselors caught me and with her encouragement, I ceased. The pain was unbearable. I cried so often during the week. I felt so angry. The family situation at home didn’t help any.

Throughout Gallaudet, I went out on two dates. And the dates ended up to be gay. An experiment, they say. I have never been asked out by a heterosexual male during my SEVEN years at Gallaudet. I wasn’t insulted as much – maybe two times people mistook me for being pregnant. But the rejection by guys hurt as much, too. I kept thinking – why is body image SO important? Why can’t they like me for me, my personality and my intelligence? I often wondered whether my Usher’s was a factor, too. It was, but most of the time it was my body image.

To this day, I have never had a date that went beyond the second date, or had a boyfriend. I long to be loved by someone who doesn’t look at my body, but rather, looks at my spirit and says – that is the best thing about you. And likes the whole package, too.

So, everyday, it’s a constant struggle. I want to lose weight for health reasons, that is for SURE. But I often wonder if I lost all the weight and looked great physically, all of a sudden would men want to date me? Even the same guys who rejected me? Would they look at my body and discover my personality much later? That is so superficial. But that is how society is in America. No one looks at personality first, really, most of us.

When I have my clothes on, and I smile in the mirror, I love myself more. But if I stand in front of the mirror, naked, I feel pain – from the past, from being not accepted because of these extra layers of skin. And it makes me sad. I long to love myself completely, but I know that beauty is only skin deep. In order to love myself completely, I have to look beyond the fat and see the whole package as beautiful. Who gives a shit what guys think about my body? They’re missing out… royally.

(big smile on my face)

I just HAVE to keep telling myself that… and convincing myself of that.

Tactile love yourself, first&foremost.

Coco

Day Log

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:55:49 GMT

Day Log

June 28, 2008

Up at 9:00am

Stretches 10min

Breakfast: one whole wheat toast (Texas size) with honey, fresh pineapple chunks

Snack: 4 slices of orange

Lunch: Rice with tomatoes, onions and vinegar/soy

Snack: Medium mango

Dinner: Bowl of rice, beans and corn

20 min Yoga before bed

Bed at 11:00pm

Three 75cl of filtered water (4.5 glasses of water)

1 full kettle of Green Echinacea tea (six cups)

Fitness – Morning stretch, 3pm workout session with Sanjo for 1 hour, and yoga before bed

Writing down what I ate in the past few days wasn’t a hard thing to do! But looking at the kinds of food I’ve ate does make the meals seem boring. Let me explain. I usually eat MORE than that and with MORE variety. But my gas stove ran out of gas and it costs 5,000N ($50) for a new tank of gas – I wasn’t willing to pay that much and I am leaving in 2 Mondays for Abuja and not returning to Birnin Kebbi until September 13. So not worth it! So I have been borrowing my intervenor’s single kerosene burner, which is a bitch to light up (eight candle wickets) and to reassemble. It’s a filthy job. And with my stove I was able to cook on three burners. Now I just have one. So I have not been able to cook as many dishes. In the past five days, I’ve cooked enough (rice, pasta, couscous, beans etc) to last me 3 days. I don’t want to cook on the kerosene burner as much. Also my intervenor has been busy with her university exams the past few days and this weekend so I’m short on foods I can feast on. So it’s kind of been DULL with the food. I’m out of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, some herbs so my dishes aren’t as flavorful as before. I’m finally out of beans and corn – I’m getting sick of it! So, I have one more bowl of rice left for lunch tomorrow and HOPE I get to go to the market by Monday and fill the fridge up on goodies!

Workout was great. It’s a very small gym with stairmaster, tracker (whatever you call that thing), exercise bike, some other equipment. But the stairmaster needs NEPA on, so if its off, I cant use the stairmaster. I do weights, sit ups, leg lifts, boxing (medium sized punching bag) and so on. I alternate cardio and weight training on every other day.

But my weight loss has been SO rapid. It isn’t encouraged because the SKIN IS HANGING off me. Not attractive. So if you want to lose weight, I suggest 5-10 pounds a month. I’ve lost 15-20 pounds a month since I started. It’s not conscious, but it’s the heat, working out, limited choice of foods and a LOT less processed foods! Lot less sugar, too! I am determined to make it a habit out of having a healthy lifestyle of eating and fitness and avoid gaining all the weight back! That would be a nightmare!

I have to be mindful to eat more calories.

“tactile love yourself, first&foremost.”

~coco

Recipe For Success

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 12:33:43 GMT

Recipe for Success

June 28, 2008

Carrot Ginger Soup

Chop three cups of carrots, boil in six cups of water until soft. Don’t drain the water. Add a tbsp of chopped ginger, a dash of thyme, salt and pepper. Put the hot contents in a blender (careful!) and blend until it becomes puree. Put back in pot and simmer for 5 minutes. 2-3 servings. Can be served hot or chilled.

Tip: Fill your teakettle, put in a bag of green tea or your favorite kind and boil. Then put it on a table near you, with a cup. You can go back and forth and drink a lot of tea when you are around the house. This is a great way to consume your requirement of water on top of drinking cold water and have the nutrients of green tea or herbal tea.

Tip: I put 75cl (small) bottles of water in the freezer. When I go out, I wrap a bandanna around the frozen bottle and it’s still cold for up to three hours! It’s great for a hot day!

Day Log

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:14:06 GMT

Day Log

June 27, 2008

Up at 7:00am

Stretches 10min

Six buckets of water carried from tap to large storing bucket

Breakfast: 1 boiled egg, one whole wheat toast (Texas size) with honey, fresh pineapple chunks

Snack: None (oops, got sidetracked)

Lunch: A bowl of Cold Navy Bean salad with tomatoes, onions & balsamic vinegar, thyme & leftover Couscous

Snack: 4 slices of orange, 10 pringles chips, one Schweppes Bitter Lemon soda

Dinner: Bowl of corn with left over navy beans (there was no electricity, too dark to cook on a kerosene burner)

20 min Yoga before bed

Bed at 11:00pm

Five 75cl of filtered water (7.5 glasses of water)

Three cups of green tea

Fitness – Morning stretch, 3pm workout session with Sanjo for 1 hour, and yoga before bed

Today was SO hectic but productive! I ran out of “quickie” snacks so if I wanted to eat something I had to COOK it or take some time to prepare. So I had the navy bean salad, cooked 2 days ago and I just wanted to clear it out before it got too old. At the seamstress’ today while waiting for the woman to alter many of my old tops (I don’t have much money to buy new clothes so I thought I would save $$ by taking two inches off each top) and the seamstress INSISTED I drink some pop.. ugh. I hadn’t had a sip of pop/soda since May 5, but she was so persistent! To be polite, I ordered my favorite past drink, and needless to say I hated it. I didn’t like the sugary taste, and soon after, I experienced a bit of sharp pains in my stomach and my tongue was COATED in sugar… ewww. Can’t believe I used to drink one glass bottle of soda each day! But I’m not going to dwell on it or punish myself. Just let it go. Temptations will come my way, and if I indulge, it’s not the end of the world or my diet, I’ll just go on with my routine and not dwell so much on it. Just keep in mind I cannot have it often.

So today was a good day. Just gotta eat more. Tomorrow is my usual Saturday trip to the open air market so I’ll stock up on some veggies, fruits, etc. Looking forward to it.

“tactile love yourself, first&foremost.”

~coco

Mark, Set, GOal!

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 11:26:01 GMT

Mark. Set. Goal!

June 27, 2008

I am doing something unlike before. I’m making up a list of goals that I intend to fulfill. I started in May, and have succeeded one goal: be 210 pounds by June 1^st, and when that was achieved, I was thrilled! Now that I’m 193 in my third week amazingly lost 17 pounds in 3 weeks, I have set up one more goal: be 190 by July 1^st. It’s not important that I lose 5 or more pounds by that date, what is important is that I lose some weight and keep up my fitness/eating habits.

By August 1, I would like to be 180. That weight number has not been seen on my weight scale since I was 16!!!!!!! So, the moment when I stand on the scale and see it’s 180 is going to be a very emotional experience for me.

The next goal? It’s NOT the weight number. I’m going to stop making number goals by August 1, and focus on my daily habits, exercise, fitness and …. Lookin’ smokin’ hot in a bikini by January 5, 2009. That is my 29^th birthday. I have dreams to celebrate it in Ghana or Malawi on the hot beaches. So, that will be five months – plenty of time. I don’t want to set 120 or 130 as my weight goal because I don’t even know if my body will be curvaceous and bootylicious at 120? Maybe I will look rail thin at that weight because of my heavy bones? So I’d just watch my figure and see a shape I really like – with a little meat, beautiful curves.

When that goal is accomplished, and I’m wearing a bikini, something I had not worn since I was EIGHT years old, the next goal will take over a year. It will be to train for a triathlon, and I will compete in one when I turn 30 in 2010. I will still be serving my term in Nigeria until January 2010, so I will train in Nigeria then focus on the next four-five months in the States and train for a triathlon in the summer. If there are any women out there who are serious about banding up and helping each other train for summer of 2010, contact me!

Of course, the ULTIMATE goal out of all these… is to be FIT for the rest of my LIFE!! I don’t want to suffer from osteoporosis, arthritis, depression and more when I get older – I want to age with grace! I am so scared to see myself frail and weak by the time I am 50!

These are my goals! Do you have similar goals or different?

tactile luv yourself, first&foremost!!!!!!

Day Log

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:25:05 GMT

Day Log

June 26, 2008

Up at 9:00am

Stretches 10min

Breakfast: 2 boiled eggs, one whole wheat toast with honey, fresh pineapple chunks

Snack: 2 carrot sticks and 3 Pringles chips

Lunch: A bowl of Cold Navy Bean salad with tomatoes, onions & balsamic vinegar, thyme

Snack: 4 slices of orange, sliced small mango

Dinner: Couscous with green beans, onions and garlic butter.

20 min Yoga before bed

Bed at 11:00pm

Four 75cl of filtered water (6 glasses of water)

Two cups of green tea

Fitness – Morning stretch, 3pm workout session with Sanjo for 1 hour, and evening 40 minute walk in the neighbourhood

Revelations: I Was An Atkins Failure

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 11:56:40 GMT

I joined the wildly popular Atkins Diet program in the spring of 2004, a week after a severe bout with the flu and fever that had caused me to lose 10 pounds. I thought this was the perfect way to jumpstart my weight loss, so I went out and bought Dr. Robert Atkins’ book – The Atkins Essentials.

Truth be told, I hated reading books especially books that told me what I knew already. But Dr. Atkins had clearly defined what was the big kahuna – bad carbs and good carbs. The aha moment came when I finished the book, and felt very motivated to work out and maintain a good healthy eating habit. True to his word, the Atkins diet did work – I had lost 30 lbs in 3 months. I was feeling lighter, happier and looked forward to continuing it throughout my summer at the Helen Keller Center in Toronto where I would take training courses in Braille and cane training.

It proved difficult to continue working out because Toronto is a large city and it required an hour of travel on bus to reach the gym and one hour back. Some days I didn’t feel like working out and the Center was very small so I could not be flexible and do some living-room aerobics or yoga. I was feeling stuck. Slowly but surely my motivation decreased but I was still eating foods allowed in the Atkins Phase 1 program. My weight stuck at a plateau level and it bummed me out.

When I was finished with the HK Centre, I returned to Ottawa, excited that in 2 weeks, I would be back to Gallaudet and I would start working out at their gym again and continue my weight loss. I had a routine cataract surgery scheduled for my left eye upon arriving home.

What was supposed to be a routine, safe procedure turned into a nightmare. Somehow, during the surgery, the process was flawed and I lost all sight in my left eye as a result.

Despite the doctor telling me it would return, my sight never did. I felt so depressed, and increasingly frustrated because the sudden loss of my left eye had caused my eyes to cross, and I kept bumping into things. I cried every night for two weeks.

Then I returned to Gallaudet, unable to read regular print anymore. I isolated myself in my room watching TV or browsing the Internet. I ordered burgers, fries, pizza from the Rathskeller so that I wouldn’t have to go to the cafeteria and have to deal with limited vision and people inquiring why I wasn’t seeing like I used to be. I had started tactile sign language, and everyone wasn’t used to that. My friends asked me if I was ok after the surgery and I just smiled and said I was fine. But I was so depressed, my world had crashed. To make matters worse, I was in an abusive friendship with someone who had bipolar, and was almost killed as a result of our last fight. So my weight had maintained itself for two months until it broke, I gained more than I had lost. Then in the next four years, I would climb to 248 pounds. (the highest was 275 in high school).

I still think Atkins is a great program, however, what it offers is expensive – the bars, drinks, bread, etc. And Dr. Atkins died amid widespread rumors that he died of a heart attack, than a slip on the ice and hit his head. Whatever happened to him, I still think he hit it on the nail when he said that people are consumed with bad carbs everyday of their lives and just can’t let go.

Strange thing, I eat a lot of carbs these days here. Pasta, rice, bread, couscous. But I’ve lost a lot of weight. I think it’s just sugar that’s been derailing me. And what’s important is that I balance my carbs – have a toast at breakfast, either have one small bowl of carb for lunch or dinner then the other meal is carb free.

Coco