| | Reflections June 29, 2008 When I look in the mirror, I often struggle to tell myself, “You are beautiful inside and… outside”. I say “outside” with such reluctance. I’ve been battling that demon for so long, since my teens. I have always had people say this over and over again, “you have such a beautiful face”. And that would be it. No, “you have a great body”. Or something along the lines. I know my face is beautiful. I try to tell myself that the whole package is beautiful but it’s so hard to do that when society unintentionally and intentionally tell me that my overweight, bulging body is not aesthetically beautiful. I gained weight when I was eight years old, that’s 20 years ago now. It wasn’t so bad, but when I became a high school freshman, things got so bad as I ballooned into a pudgy 13 year old. That brought upon so many insults, poking, horrible notes left in my locker, public humiliation, continuous mockery. One of my crushes in high school left a note in my locker: “I will never like you because you are SO FAT it makes me want to throw up”. I cried so much and ate so much junk food. It was my comfort food. And as often as the insults came, I ate often. All of my friends were thin, and I was the only fat one. I would get poked in the hallway as I walk by, and some bullies would follow me and try to imitate a Humpty Dumpty or a person who was severely obese and waddling. During my high school years, I had so much pressure to lose weight, from my classmates, my dorm counselors, the school shrink, my aunt and everyone else. I had suicidal thoughts often, attempted a few times. I had a bout with bulimia for three months until one of the counselors caught me and with her encouragement, I ceased. The pain was unbearable. I cried so often during the week. I felt so angry. The family situation at home didn’t help any. Throughout Gallaudet, I went out on two dates. And the dates ended up to be gay. An experiment, they say. I have never been asked out by a heterosexual male during my SEVEN years at Gallaudet. I wasn’t insulted as much – maybe two times people mistook me for being pregnant. But the rejection by guys hurt as much, too. I kept thinking – why is body image SO important? Why can’t they like me for me, my personality and my intelligence? I often wondered whether my Usher’s was a factor, too. It was, but most of the time it was my body image. To this day, I have never had a date that went beyond the second date, or had a boyfriend. I long to be loved by someone who doesn’t look at my body, but rather, looks at my spirit and says – that is the best thing about you. And likes the whole package, too. So, everyday, it’s a constant struggle. I want to lose weight for health reasons, that is for SURE. But I often wonder if I lost all the weight and looked great physically, all of a sudden would men want to date me? Even the same guys who rejected me? Would they look at my body and discover my personality much later? That is so superficial. But that is how society is in America. No one looks at personality first, really, most of us. When I have my clothes on, and I smile in the mirror, I love myself more. But if I stand in front of the mirror, naked, I feel pain – from the past, from being not accepted because of these extra layers of skin. And it makes me sad. I long to love myself completely, but I know that beauty is only skin deep. In order to love myself completely, I have to look beyond the fat and see the whole package as beautiful. Who gives a shit what guys think about my body? They’re missing out… royally. (big smile on my face) I just HAVE to keep telling myself that… and convincing myself of that. Tactile love yourself, first&foremost. Coco |
