Hiatus

My lovelies,

So sorry for the long hiatus - again. I was away from any kind of net access for one and half weeks as I prepared to travel a long distance from Kebbi to Abuja. I've been in Abuja for a week now, with a weekend away in a nearby state for a friend's goodbye party.

I've been good to myself. I've drank only red wine on special occassions, had one plate with small helpings of each tasty dish they had, and went for hour-long walks everyday since I left Kebbi.

By the VSO flat, there are stable sidewalks so every morning at 8 30am, I go out for a brisk 30 minute walk with Marufat, my intervenor. We repeat the same walking pattern for 45 minutes every evening after dinner.

I've consciously chosen to eat a hearty breakfast of egggs, vegetables, fruit and alternating between carb-heavy meal or a salad/soup for lunch or dinner. Balance is important - I wish to eat only one heavy carb meal a day, leaving very little carb (bread, rice, pasta etc) in the other 2 meals.

Apples, oranges, masara (roasted corn found on grills by the streets of Nigeria), guava, coconut pieces and muesli trail mix are usually my snacks everyday.

I am having a problem with consumption of water. The water filter in the VSO flat is very dirty, so I have resorted to buying bottles of water or refilling them at the VSO office when I come in everyday this week to work on my fundraising book. But it seems not enough. So I am going to work on that.

I leave for New York City next Tuesday. Pray I will do OK in the land of the obese. Most especially when there are so many foods I've missed while being here in Nigeria.

Oh, and I've successfully trained myself to turn morning stretches and night stretches into a habit. It's become so frequent and conscious enough that I treat yoga like brushing my teeth everyday - you must do it because it's healthy. And I'm working on making walks everyday a habit for life.

My clothes are getting bigger and my waist is getting smaller. I look forward to do a bit of shopping in the States 0 but not too many because I know I'll drop more once I get back to Nigeria.

I will try to update whenever I can. Just know that I am consciously working on my fitness, health and whipping up more healthy culinary delights.

I have never been more prouder of myself for losing so much weight. I currently do not know how much I weigh. I don't think I want to know for a while.

Hope you are all well, healthy & happy.

Tactile love yourself, first&foremost.

Coco

Day Log

Day Log

July 2, 2008

Up at 10am

Stretches 10min

Breakfast: two boiled eggs, hash browns, 4 orange slices

Snack: chopped coconut pieces

Lunch: Meal size salad with lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, red onion; large wheat toast with cream cheese and ripe tomatoes&thyme

Snack: coconut pieces (I am ADDICTED)

Dinner: Bowl of rice with cucumber, carrots, tomatoes, soy sauce

20 min Yoga before bed

Bed at 11:00pm

Four 75cl of filtered water (6 glasses of water)

Green tea (three cups)

Fitness – Morning stretch, kitchen clean up duty, 3pm workout session with Sanjo for 1 hour, and yoga before bed

I don’t know why I did not do this before. I kept seeing raw coconuts around in the market, but I thought to myself – that is such a hassle to get all the “hairs” off and chop it. Then on Monday during my trip to the market, I saw a shopkeeper shave off the hairs, chop it in half and give it to the woman who bought it. I thought, hey, I should try it at least. I love coconut, but it’s not the reason I’m called Coco, heh. So I bought a whole coconut for 80 cents. And broke it in pieces. I’ve been eating it as a snack (substitiute for almonds, nuts, etc). It fills me up fast. I don’t know if eating coconuts is a good thing? I hope SO!!!

I’ve been sidetracked on keeping tabs on my daily eating habits because the electricity’s only been on 3 hours per day… which is really unusual. We get more than 12 hours a day, but no excuse, I should WRITE it down. The old fashioned way. But then again, I ran out of paper and markers. I cannot read pen ink anymore. Excuses, excuses, But I’m back on track yet I cannot keep promises that I’ll keep on writing day journals.

Heavy Philosophy

Heavy Philosophy

July 2, 2008

Today at Sanjo’s Gym, I weighed myself. Still 193. Plateau time. I’ve weighed that same number for the past 2 weeks. The logical part of my brain says: that is SO normal. My body is adjusting to the tremendous weight loss. There’ll be more to come. Be patient. Continue the routine.

But… there was that ANNOYING, familiar voice deep down in the dark tunnels of my cranium. It says: This is not working out. It’s too much of a hassle to continue the routine. I need a cake, asap. I’ll be forever fat. I’ll never be thin.

No, no, no. I don’t want that voice back. It’s always been the thing that sidetracks me from being successful in my goals. In the past I’ve successfully convinced myself that the effort isn’t worth it and I’m destined to be fat forever. I’d feel pessimistic and look for more excuses to “let go”.

NOT THIS TIME! Damn it. I’m telling that damn voice to get the HELL out of my mind. I am GOING to do this til the end. I am going to be successful in my goals as they come.

Interesting how I write this down in text, right in front of me, instead of letting that thought linger around in my mind. And today at the gym, I thought to myself, this is the same plight that millions of overweight women have, and a majority of them give in to that voice, the voice of Lucifer. He wants us to stay sad, depressed, pessimistic, and FAT.

Honey, this plateau is only temporary. Giving up is permanent. It’ll only continue. The pattern will go on and on and on. It’s really more than half the battle. The real battle is in your mind, it’s not the blubber that you want to lose. That’s just the easy part. Reworking that mindframe that we have had for so long is going to be daunting, telling ourselves that we will SUCCEED and we WILL win this battle.

That felt so good. It’s like telling that dark voice in my head to go f*** yourself.

Tactile love yourself, first&foremost!

Coco

Reflections

Reflections

June 29, 2008

When I look in the mirror, I often struggle to tell myself, “You are beautiful inside and… outside”. I say “outside” with such reluctance. I’ve been battling that demon for so long, since my teens. I have always had people say this over and over again, “you have such a beautiful face”. And that would be it. No, “you have a great body”. Or something along the lines. I know my face is beautiful. I try to tell myself that the whole package is beautiful but it’s so hard to do that when society unintentionally and intentionally tell me that my overweight, bulging body is not aesthetically beautiful.

I gained weight when I was eight years old, that’s 20 years ago now. It wasn’t so bad, but when I became a high school freshman, things got so bad as I ballooned into a pudgy 13 year old. That brought upon so many insults, poking, horrible notes left in my locker, public humiliation, continuous mockery. One of my crushes in high school left a note in my locker: “I will never like you because you are SO FAT it makes me want to throw up”. I cried so much and ate so much junk food. It was my comfort food. And as often as the insults came, I ate often. All of my friends were thin, and I was the only fat one. I would get poked in the hallway as I walk by, and some bullies would follow me and try to imitate a Humpty Dumpty or a person who was severely obese and waddling.

During my high school years, I had so much pressure to lose weight, from my classmates, my dorm counselors, the school shrink, my aunt and everyone else. I had suicidal thoughts often, attempted a few times. I had a bout with bulimia for three months until one of the counselors caught me and with her encouragement, I ceased. The pain was unbearable. I cried so often during the week. I felt so angry. The family situation at home didn’t help any.

Throughout Gallaudet, I went out on two dates. And the dates ended up to be gay. An experiment, they say. I have never been asked out by a heterosexual male during my SEVEN years at Gallaudet. I wasn’t insulted as much – maybe two times people mistook me for being pregnant. But the rejection by guys hurt as much, too. I kept thinking – why is body image SO important? Why can’t they like me for me, my personality and my intelligence? I often wondered whether my Usher’s was a factor, too. It was, but most of the time it was my body image.

To this day, I have never had a date that went beyond the second date, or had a boyfriend. I long to be loved by someone who doesn’t look at my body, but rather, looks at my spirit and says – that is the best thing about you. And likes the whole package, too.

So, everyday, it’s a constant struggle. I want to lose weight for health reasons, that is for SURE. But I often wonder if I lost all the weight and looked great physically, all of a sudden would men want to date me? Even the same guys who rejected me? Would they look at my body and discover my personality much later? That is so superficial. But that is how society is in America. No one looks at personality first, really, most of us.

When I have my clothes on, and I smile in the mirror, I love myself more. But if I stand in front of the mirror, naked, I feel pain – from the past, from being not accepted because of these extra layers of skin. And it makes me sad. I long to love myself completely, but I know that beauty is only skin deep. In order to love myself completely, I have to look beyond the fat and see the whole package as beautiful. Who gives a shit what guys think about my body? They’re missing out… royally.

(big smile on my face)

I just HAVE to keep telling myself that… and convincing myself of that.

Tactile love yourself, first&foremost.

Coco

Day Log

Day Log

June 28, 2008

Up at 9:00am

Stretches 10min

Breakfast: one whole wheat toast (Texas size) with honey, fresh pineapple chunks

Snack: 4 slices of orange

Lunch: Rice with tomatoes, onions and vinegar/soy

Snack: Medium mango

Dinner: Bowl of rice, beans and corn

20 min Yoga before bed

Bed at 11:00pm

Three 75cl of filtered water (4.5 glasses of water)

1 full kettle of Green Echinacea tea (six cups)

Fitness – Morning stretch, 3pm workout session with Sanjo for 1 hour, and yoga before bed

Writing down what I ate in the past few days wasn’t a hard thing to do! But looking at the kinds of food I’ve ate does make the meals seem boring. Let me explain. I usually eat MORE than that and with MORE variety. But my gas stove ran out of gas and it costs 5,000N ($50) for a new tank of gas – I wasn’t willing to pay that much and I am leaving in 2 Mondays for Abuja and not returning to Birnin Kebbi until September 13. So not worth it! So I have been borrowing my intervenor’s single kerosene burner, which is a bitch to light up (eight candle wickets) and to reassemble. It’s a filthy job. And with my stove I was able to cook on three burners. Now I just have one. So I have not been able to cook as many dishes. In the past five days, I’ve cooked enough (rice, pasta, couscous, beans etc) to last me 3 days. I don’t want to cook on the kerosene burner as much. Also my intervenor has been busy with her university exams the past few days and this weekend so I’m short on foods I can feast on. So it’s kind of been DULL with the food. I’m out of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, some herbs so my dishes aren’t as flavorful as before. I’m finally out of beans and corn – I’m getting sick of it! So, I have one more bowl of rice left for lunch tomorrow and HOPE I get to go to the market by Monday and fill the fridge up on goodies!

Workout was great. It’s a very small gym with stairmaster, tracker (whatever you call that thing), exercise bike, some other equipment. But the stairmaster needs NEPA on, so if its off, I cant use the stairmaster. I do weights, sit ups, leg lifts, boxing (medium sized punching bag) and so on. I alternate cardio and weight training on every other day.

But my weight loss has been SO rapid. It isn’t encouraged because the SKIN IS HANGING off me. Not attractive. So if you want to lose weight, I suggest 5-10 pounds a month. I’ve lost 15-20 pounds a month since I started. It’s not conscious, but it’s the heat, working out, limited choice of foods and a LOT less processed foods! Lot less sugar, too! I am determined to make it a habit out of having a healthy lifestyle of eating and fitness and avoid gaining all the weight back! That would be a nightmare!

I have to be mindful to eat more calories.

“tactile love yourself, first&foremost.”

~coco